Hindsight: It Can Be Regretful

Somedays, you wake up with an unexplainable ability to conquer the world flowing through your blood.

Other days, you wake up wondering how the hell you got here, and when you started going wrong.

Today was the later, for me at least.

If you woke up feeling as though the stars had aligned just right while you were sleeping, then I do urge you to savor this moment.

For it is no secret that when things seem perfect, a catatonic collision is bound to happen sometime soon.

Whether that tragedy happens, and you manage to just get scraped up by a little bit of the leftover flying dust, or if it happens to be your life that gets flipped upside down.

I re-arranged my room every now and again, thinking maybe this way was better – or that way would be more suiting.

I started ordering books on happiness, and delving into blogging, painting, and even non-profit work.

But all the times I had chosen to re-write notes, watch blogger videos, read my book, pour more into school, work, or my org, would never fill the place in my heart; in my soul- that must be filled through the love and connection of human spirit. 

I don’t have to be goddamn Mother Teresa.

We have our life, and the important things are our big rocks. [Friends, Family, Loved Ones, Experiences, Connections] Basically, they are the things that you cannot touch. They are love, happiness, joy etc.

The small rocks are all of your other things. Like what car you drive, what clothes you wear, how good your blog is doing, how much money you’re making, how many paintings you’re selling, how clean your house is, how organized your closet is…if your oil diffuser is set up right away.

It’s so so easy to get caught up in the pebbles, and forget about the big things.

The important things.

I sat there raking together my pebbles – trying to perform a balancing act with them all.

Seeing people who were fully dedicating themselves to their artwork, having a successful career with an Etsy shop, and I thought – wow, I can do that.

Which is true. I could do that – if it was all I was doing.

I see bloggers who make money off their blogs, and who have guest bloggers, and giveaways, and have a billion followers, and I thought – wow, I can do that.

Which is true. I could do that – if it was all I was doing.

I see people running non-profit organizations, making such a difference in the world, touching lives, and changing them for the better, and I thought – wow, I can do that.

Which is true. I could do that – if it was all I was doing.

I see people going above and beyond in school, getting straight a’s, having a baller GPA, volunteering every week, taking CEU classes all the time, and I thought – wow, I can do that.

Which is true. I could do that – if it was all I was doing.

I see students saving up their money while they are going to school, working their asses off working and studying, and I thought – wow, I can do that.

Which is true. I could do that – if it was all I was doing.

So while I was trying to do all of these things, thinking I was doing a good job, because we live in a world that says the busier you are, the better you’re doing – I forgot about my big rocks. 

I had spread myself so thin across these things, that I wasn’t doing any one of them particularly well.

Because of this, I have decided to finally do what I have been telling myself I needed to do for months now. I need to make changes, so I am going to make some. Here are the changes and the reasons for each of those changes.

The Blog-

I will not feel pressured to post on my blog. I will not post links through Pinterest, or pay to promote it through Facebook, or other social media. I will post when I think of it, sharing poems I write, crafts or projects I complete, fun things I come across, or realizations I may have.

BUT

I’ll post if and when I want- leaving it for a day, a week, a month, a year- if need be. 

Project HEAL-

I will no longer be the fall person for when things need to be done. I have been so lucky to have three wonderful co-leaders. These co-leaders are pretty awesome, and are super capable of helping to run the chapter. We also have a lot of members, who are fully capable of helping out as well.

In the past, it has been hard for me to delegate. This chapter is my baby, and it was easier for me to just do things sometimes. But now, the realization that next year, I wont be here, and neither will three of the board member leaders. So leadership really needs to be delegated and passed down.

Ill spend some time organizing it, but spend a lot of this year slowly backing off of my leadership role in Project HEAL – focusing more on National Level leadership opportunities.

My Job-

I’m a student worker. My bosses always are saying how if it’s too much, to tell them.

I think since this is my first ‘real’ job, I just want to do such a good job, and don’t want to fail them.

However, it’s not out of the question for me to need help, or for me to turn down a task when someone asks me if I have time to do it.

Study Soup-

No, just no. Study Soup literally doesn’t even pay me half the time anyway – so bye.

May May Paints-

I will no longer be taking orders or requests for paintings. I will paint when I have free time, and sell these paintings on my Facebook page when I am done.

 

Friends and family, of course, I have no issue doing a special project once in a while.

But when I feel like it is a job, that takes all of the joy out of it anyway.

People in my life

People are what matters.

Love is what matters.

It’s so easy to get caught up in looking for a new pair of birkenstocks, or finding fun vintage steals at Flower Child. Working on my newest project, or coming up with some new plan on how I will change the world.

But in changing the world, I forgot about my own.

 

Madison (1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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